Jerry, na no da!
by La Salle De Bain
Summary: [One-shot] Shuichi, Ayaka, and Yuki go on Jerry Springer in order to set things straight in this twisted love triangle. Point-of-view of random audience member.


**Jerry, na no da!**

One-shot.

I don't know the gender of this audience member in this story. Whatever tickles your fancy. And even though he/she's IN the studio audience, I beeped out all the serious bad words.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Gravitation OR Jerry Springer. I do, in fact, own this fic. Hardy-har-har.  
**Rated T For**: Language and suggestive themes. I guess. And angst. D: OOC, too, along with Ayaka-bashing.

I apologize beforehand for any typos. I may be in an advanced Language Arts class, but my spelling ain't all that dandy. Oh, and don't get me wrong, I like Jerry Springer. The show, and all of that jazz. Also, I don't know if this could be classified as a parody. Jerry is, in fact, in the story.

* * *

Well. So I enjoy Jerry Springer. Big deal. So I'm screwed for life. Whoopee. So my friend comped me tickets, which he swore were worth more than my ass. Hurray.

Note that Jerry Springer tickets are free. Ouch.

I live where this waste of film is, well, filmed. New York or Boston or where ever the hell it is. I _had_ to go. My weekened as LOWER than unbooked, so I had to. Honest.

XXXXX

I arrived at the studio, my mind blank. It was full of rednecks. I let it slide and took a seat in a corner, unnoticed.

It seemed normal at first, until the lights started flicking on and off and people got to their feet, chanting nonsense. Kerry? Merry? Or was it Perry?

Matters went worse when a man as old as dirt entered and started... _touching_ everyone. I managed to hide behind a plus-size senior.

"Welcome to the show!" the unnamed character announced. "Our guests here today are sick of someone trying to steal their lover and want to put an end to it!"

I nearly collapsed. That was JERRY, wasn't it? Silly me. I've watched the show plenty of times; awkward of me not to recognize him. Well, if going into a junk food coma can be considered watching.

The first guests didn't really "click" to my tastes. I rolled my eyes during their whole air time, even if there WAS a bare breast.

Oh. Did I mention it was a _male'_s breast?

But the second guests... _Wow_. Interesting bunch of people. Maybe a little _too_ interesting for their own good.

The whole thing started out with a young, pink-haired lad. He looked around, say, twenty, and his shiny orange top really made him stick out. Fair-skinned, scrawny, his eyes bigger than plates.

Overall analysis: Gay.

"Shuichi," Jerry began, reading off of little green cards he was grasping, "you're a singer, aren't you?"

The guest nodded. "Yes, Jerry-san."

Everyone (other than me) in the audience sniggered. Dumbasses.

"So," Jerry continued, "your relationship with your lover it being corrupted by someone, right, Shuichi? Who _is_ this person exactly?"

"Yuki's former fiance, Ayaka," Shuichi muttered.

The audience 'oooh'ed. I shot them all dirty looks. God damned homophobes.

"So Ayaka is determined to take Yuki back, no?"

"Yes. She won't go away! I-it's like she's obsessed! And her hairstyle BLOWS."

"Is she really that bad?"

"Let's just say she's the Relena Peacecraft of this series."

Everyone laughed. Good one. Gundam Wing is _totall_y last week.

Jerry turned to one of the doors guests walk out of. "Here's Ayaka."

Ew. Ew. Ew. My eyeballs still bleed to this DAY for having to see such a thing! It-it was-- Oh, GOD! The hair. The eyes. The _face_. Such a waste of ink. Its name was Ayaka, apparently.

Ayaka was greeted onto the stage with a chorus of boos. She flashed her middle finger and plopped into a chair next to Shuichi. He twitched.

"So, Ayaka," said the host, a hint of disturbance in his voice. "You're trying to steal Shuichi's boyfriend."

The bitch nodded. "And I'd do it again, too!"

"...Okay. But you _do_ know Yuki dumped you. In fact, your marriage was arranged, was it not?"

The audience gasped. A surprising twist!

"Yep," replied Ayaka. "Even so, I still love Eiri! But he had to run off with some gay _-beeeep-_."

Shuichi's eyes narrowed. "What was that?"

"Here's Yuki!" Mr. Springer proclaimed.

My jaw dropped (amoung other things). Yuki-- Eiri-- whatever his name was, was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. The studio was silent, with an exception of boners popping every which way.

"Yuki!" Shuichi growled, gnawing on Ayaka's leg. "Shut this _-beeep-_tard up!"

"Damn brat," the blonde hunk muttered. He lit a cigerette. Yes, there on STAGE. First the "no standing up" rule and now this!

To everyone's surprise, Yu-- Ei-- what's-his-face pulled Ayaka up by the color of her (out of style) turtle neck. She attempted to jab himin the family jewels with her heel, failing miserably.

"So, Eiri," Jerry said after the blonde set Ayaka down, "who do you want to stay with?"

"Personally," he responded in a deep, sexy voice, " I think they're BOTH a waste of time. But I _did_ ask Shuichi to be my lover. Ayaka's a whore."

The audience burst into laughter. Even I joined in. And I thought hot people were supposed to be dimwitted.

"Yeah, Ayaka!" sneered Shuichi. "Whore! H-O-R!"

Eiri hit him on the head. Oddly enough, everyone else in the world wanted to do that, too. I had to give the guy props. He had a lot of style.

"Ayaka," Jerry said. "What's your say in this?"

"_I _say Eiri should stay with me!" she barked. Everyone booed.

"Eiri?"

"No," Yuki scolded.

Ayaka twitched. "There's something terribly wrong with you."

"I don't give an ass, Princess. One you trim those bangs and grow some _-beep-_s, give me a call. Meaning get the _-beep-_ out of my sight."

The audience clapped. This dude was novelist material, I tell you! And I don't say that about everyone.

"Wow, Yuki!" Shuichi cheered. "You really _DO_ care!"

"Nah. I'm just wasted."

That ended the whole segment. Nothing else was said.

XXXXX

It isn't like I regretted the experience. I just wished I didn't have to go through it. Ever again. Unless I got booze in return. But Eiri Yuki had enough booze for ALL of us.

At least there was a cast of colorful characters. One of every sexuality, too. Nice. Enough to last me all night.

I am totally screwed.

Fin.


End file.
